Happy first birthday to my blog! It is hard to believe that it is a whole twelve months since I created this blog. I have actually been blogging on and off for around ten years or so, with my first ever blog being hosted on the blogger platform. It still exists, but I don’t update it anymore, other than to redirect people to this blog. I can’t bring myself to delete it though.
Most bloggers use their ‘blog-versary’ to reflect on life, and perhaps recall why they blog; I shall be no different.
Reflections on life
When I started my blog, I thought that I would write more about my mental health, but every time I draft something about it, I reconsider whether I want to share it or not. I definitely am one of those people who will say “I’m OK” rather than answer how I really am feeling.
Indeed, I have just drafted and lost a whole paragraph of text, as if my blog is trying to tell me not to write about my feelings in too much detail!
So, the truth is that I am struggling with life, but with the support of family and friends, I get through each day. I am waiting for some more treatment for PTSD, having finished a course of counselling at the end of last year. I say ‘completed’ but all that means is that I was given the number of sessions I was allowed, not necessarily the number I needed.
I do feel that nobody understands what I have been through, and that is very isolating. I feel that things will never be “normal” and that I have been left so far behind that I will never be able to catch up. I try to help myself as much as I can, and I do try to “put a brave face on” and be as positive as I can be, especially when I write my blog.
Why do I blog?
Originally I had two reasons for starting this blog, the first was because I wanted to create a legacy for my son, and the second was to create an identity for myself. The legacy thing was going well until I went self-hosted, and now this blog has a lifespan that will only last as long as it is paid for! D’oh!
My plan B is that I export my files from time to time, and my old blog still exists in a private form. Therefore, if I change my mind about being self-hosted I can bring my old blog back to life – phew 🙂 Then, plan C is that my handwritten journals will probably make a better legacy than anything online because that’s more personal.
As for creating an identity for myself, I am quite confident that part is going well. Since becoming self-hosted I have played around with different designs and I have a consistent theme now, which I feel reflects who I am and what I like. This blog allows me to be creative, as well as to showcase my creativity, and is a kind of online diary. I am deliberately niche-less as I want to write about anything and not restrict myself.
I have a love/hate relationship with social media these days. It is so difficult to get anyone to engage with my blog that I have decided not to promote it anymore. It is soul destroying, when I’m already feeling low, to shout about something I am proud of, only to watch the tumbleweed float by. I know that sounds a bit self-defeating, but I have spent so long getting knocked down and getting back up again, and I need a rest. Maybe when I am stronger I might try again. If you are reading this then THANK YOU for being a follower of this blog – I am grateful! I am just saying that I’m not going out of my way to gain followers and grow at the moment.
Weekend Coffee Share
I mentioned before that I try to keep my blog positive and upbeat. With that in mind, here is the Weekend Coffee Share:
If we were having coffee, then I would definitely tell you that one of my favourite songs of the moment has been covered by one of my favourite artists. Honestly, I thought it was a joke at first, but here it is:
If we were having coffee I would probably tell you that I need to lose some weight, at the same time as eating cake with my latte.
Well, I am not overweight, but I have certainly gained weight over the past few years. It is a strange concept as I spent many years being too skinny. In fact, when I was pregnant with my son (20 years ago!) I weighed less than what I weigh now *shocked face* but I suppose it comes with age.
Today I went through my wardrobe, and, I have ditched my skinny clothes, because why not? I could show you my Japanese folding, but maybe next time … I found some great fashion pieces from a whole different decade, like my baker boy hat.
Oh, one last thing before you go. Let me tell you about my latest YouTube obsession (as well as videos about narrowboats). We are catching up with All The Stations channel and other railway associated videos. I recommend you watch them too.
Thanks for the coffee!
The missing paragraph
I guessed that if you had made it this far, you might just read a little bit further. At the beginning of this post I started to write about my mental health in a bit more detail. While I was typing, WordPress crashed and autosave failed, so I lost quite an important paragraph.
From memory, I was trying to say that I don’t believe that people want to listen to me being miserable. I also don’t believe that people want to read about my little boy having cancer. It is just too sad. Therefore, I have taken down the pages about my experiences of his illness until I can find a better way of telling the story. I want people to know what happened, because I need to be understood, but it is no good if people don’t engage with what I have written. At the same time, I don’t want to sugar coat it either.