Reminders and Memories
There are many memories and anniversaries associated with this time of year for me. Both good and bad.
I’m never sure how I will feel each time these ‘bad’ anniversaries come around again.
At one time I could always be relied on to bounce back from anything. However, my resilience has been tested too many times, and my mental health is suffering badly now.
Life has definitely given me lemons 🍋
Please do not tell me to count my blessings. That’s like saying to someone with a broken leg, “At least you didn’t break them both!” because, while it’s better to have just the one broken leg rather than two, no broken leg at all would be better still.
I cannot “think happy, be happy” either. I can make a shed load of effort to put a face on, and make a feeble joke or muster up an ironic smile, but this takes a huge amount of energy and my sadness remains underneath. It doesn’t actually make ME feel better.
Depression is an ILLNESS, not a choice. My brain is saying “enough is enough” and I need a quiet space to properly process the things which have affected me.
My coping strategies at the moment are avoid, avoid, avoid. Partly because of the many triggers and partly because I can’t add anything more to the weight I am carrying. No more responsibility. No more stress. No more emotion.
I am not lazy. If I spend the day in my pyjamas, it is because they are comfortable and I am practicing self care, and staying in my pyjamas also means that I don’t have to make a choice about what I am going to wear.
I’m actually far from idle. Even in my pyjamas. I’m having a constant exhausting battle with my thoughts, flitting from one thing to another trying to distract myself. Overthinking. Analysing. Over and over again.
If I don’t answer immediately it is because I cannot find the vocabulary. I am not ignoring you. I have lost the ability to make a lot of conversation. I need time to consider a response.
If I like something you share on Social Media then you will probably only get “lovely” and a thumbs up. Anything I write beyond this will have taken a long time to prepare.
Even writing this post, I’m thinking, “should I be sharing this?” because I’m worried that someone will be offended or think I’m being silly or just won’t understand. BUT if nobody talks about mental health, it will remain a taboo. So, even though I want to keep this post private, I will share it.